Masochist
by Jaiden Lockheart
Summary: In which there are beginnings to be found after one reaches the end, and while decisions may not come easy to him, Sasuke knows he's going to have to make some difficult ones if he wants to move on.  AU   Rewritten version
1. Prologue

**A/N: About four years ago I mentioned on my profile that I intended to attempt a rewrite of my story Masochist. This is that attempt. I would like to state here that I have not been keeping up with Naruto the series, so any characters or storylines I use will only related to the first series, not Shippuden, or mostly anyway. I should be updating once a week or so. It's great to be back. Oh, and I might be looking for a beta-reader soon. - Jaiden**

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><p><strong>Masochist<strong>

**Prologue**

Sasuke listens to _Nevermind_ on repeat for nearly three hours the thursday before his seventeenth birthday. He sits on the edge of his bed, the walkman settled in his hands between his knees, and he watches the seconds tick away on the blue backlit screen while he waits for the world to come crashing down around his ears. He's certain it'll happen any minute, can feel it in his bones like he can feel a storm coming, aching and impatient. His heart has stopped pounding in his chest; his breathing has settled. His Ativan bottle rests on its side against his hip and every so often his fingers itch to grab it, but he's been good, has gotten through the worst of the anxiety without an extra dose. He hates having to explain the missing pills.

His world feels dulled right now, all blurred-out soft lines and angles in gray-scale. Even his skin feels indefinite, like it's barely hanging onto his bones, trying not to float away into the air that surrounds him. He supposes it's an improvement from the way it usually feels, too small for his body, stretched taught and bracing to explode. He'll take these muted tones and subdued emotions over the sharp, blaring feelings he's so often bombarded by any day.

Kakashi comes in sometime between the beginning of _Lithium_ and the end of _Polly_ and sits down next to him, throws a long arm over his shoulder and rests a pointed chin on the top of his head. Sasuke doesn't have the energy now to shrug him off, doesn't even have it in him to be angry. They sit in silence until the album is looping around again before Kakashi finally speaks.

"The movers will be here sometime in the morning," he says, his voice only just audible over the music, "Do you want to set an alarm or do you want me to call you?"

"I'll set an alarm," Sasuke replies, though he doesn't even sound like himself. He sounds older somehow, weathered, tired. But if Kakashi notices, he doesn't say anything, just sighs and stands up again.

"I'll meet you at the airport then," he says. He doesn't say, "It'll be okay," or "Things will get better," or "They would want you to be happy." He doesn't say any of those things and Sasuke appreciates the thought behind the silence. He appreciates the lack of suspicion, of expectation, of surprise.

He'll call tomorrow morning, ten or fifteen minutes after Sasuke's alarm will go off. He'll ask if Sasuke is awake and won't remark on the fact that he'll know Sasuke never fell asleep in the first place. He'll remind Sasuke about their flight times and gate numbers and he won't ask if Sasuke is all right.

And it won't hurt any less, but it won't hurt any more either.


	2. Disarming the Boy

**A/N: First chapter done! :) I've made some changes to the story, sort of went through my old notes and switched some things around. Major plot points will be the same, but a few minor details with be different. I'm hoping to get a little bit more in depth with the characters. Anyway, hope it's a good read. Leave me a review if you'd like. :) Oh, and for reference, I've decided to have the story take place in the late 90s.**

Disarming the Boy

It rained the day Sasuke Uchiha moved into the only vacant house on a quiet suburban street in York, Maine.

Naruto wouldn't remember that years later, when he thought back to the day he met Sasuke. He wouldn't remember the way the rain stung his face like tiny needles, fell into his eyes and blurred his vision, collected on his hair until the blond spikes were wilted and matted against his skull. He might remember the cold, how the cloud cover was so thick it prevented any warmth from the sun to penetrate. He might remember the way his knuckles and his knees ached with it, felt stiff and old. He might remember that it felt more like the end of autumn rather than the beginning of it.

He might also remember the color of the sea, the deep gray of the water, contrasted against the white crests of waves as they crashed over the shore near his feet. But he'll remember that because he'll remember the way it seemed a perfect match for the boy before him, black hair on pale skin. He'll remember because he'll always remember that first appearance, the way the sleeves of Sasuke's t-shirt whipped against his skinny arms as he bent to pluck a piece of sea glass from the sand, the way his dark eyes widened just a little upon their inspection of it. There was a sadness in those eyes that Naruto knew he wouldn't understand. And maybe that was what had initially drawn him in, the mystery.

It had certainly caught his attention.

They were pretty much alone on the beach. There was a couple sitting on the hood of their car watching the storm build over the sea a ways down the shore, but they were far enough away that Naruto wouldn't have been able to recognize them even if he'd known them. He wondered if that made Sasuke more or less comfortable. The guy seemed more of a loner, like an observer rather than an engager. But at the same time, Naruto had a feeling Sasuke would be the center of attention if he was put into a group, be the one both observed and engaged. He had this sort of pull, like gravity. Naruto was sure he couldn't be the only one to feel it.

And it wasn't just the mystery that would pique the group's collective interest, would hold their attention for hours, days, weeks maybe. No, there was something else about him that would keep people talking about him for probably years after he was gone.

Sasuke Uchiha was fucking beautiful.

Naruto had seen pretty boys before. Neji had been described as such by the girls in school for years, with his long dark hair and unnaturally pale blue eyes. And while Shikamaru never seemed to really care much about what he looked like, he was by no means ugly. Naruto knew in a normal, healthy way that Neji and Shikamaru were attractive. He wasn't personally attracted to them, but he could see why other people would be.

Sasuke was different though. Sasuke was attractive in some of the same ways that Neji and Shika weren't, that girls like Sakura and Hinata were—thin-boned, near translucent skin, fine baby-soft hair. He wore jeans that sat low on his hips and a t-shirt that clung to his abdomen, stretched a little over his shoulders, and Naruto thought if he could get close enough he could count the vertebrae down his back. He was so skinny Naruto felt like it would take nothing to break him, but he lacked the curves and subtle lines that would make him look too feminine. His joints were jutting, but still appeared somewhat delicate, sharp angles that would go loose in someone's hands.

Naruto wanted to touch him.

It should have surprised him. He'd never wanted to touch another boy before. He'd wanted to touch plenty of girls, but boys had never really held much interest. He wasn't bothered a bit by Sasuke though, felt like maybe Sasuke was something altogether different. Not a boy, but definitely not a girl. Just Sasuke. And that was okay, because everyone was going to want to touch Sasuke.

Perhaps he should have been a little bothered by all this intense desire. Desire to stare, to touch, to study. He blamed it on the fact that Sasuke was new. It had been a long time since anything new had come to York, Maine. There were plenty of tourists, sure, people coming and going all the time. But they were never permanent fixtures. They weren't here to stay. It had been a while since anyone had come to stay.

Glancing down at his watch to check the time and back up again, he found he was now being scrutinized as well. He hadn't even noticed Sasuke was looking at him.

"Uhm…" he said, kicked some sand out of his flip-flops, "So, Japan huh?"

Sasuke just raised a thin, black eyebrow. Naruto supposed it was possible he didn't speak English, hadn't understood Naruto's question. But then, he'd answered Iruka's questions earlier with a surprising lack of mistake, with no accent to speak of.

"Pretty shitty you gotta move all the way here," he tried again, hoping maybe the profanity would cause some sort of reaction. It did, but only a small one, just an upward turn of the corner of Sasuke's mouth. It was closest he'd seen to a smile though, and he counted it as a win.

"We should probably head back. Iruka wants me home before dark, and it'll take longer to walk home."

It had been Iruka's suggestion that they come down to the beach in the first place. He'd told Naruto to give a brief tour of the neighborhood, not that there was much to see that would interest a teenage boy. A few auto shops and some convenient stores were the only things to see between the small housing platt where they lived and the main part of the town. He'd intended on trying to get to the block of tourist shops, but once he and Sasuke had started walking, he found himself following instead of leading. He'd attempted to turn down a few streets to redirect them, but Sasuke hadn't been paying attention. Naruto had been just as surprised as Sasuke to discover their path led them to the smaller, more private beach on the edge of town.

"Why?"

At first, Naruto thought he must be hearing things in his head. Sasuke's voice was so soft.

Had his words been confusing? "Because it takes longer to get home."

"Why does it take longer to get home than it does to get here?" Sasuke interrupted him, and he sounded slightly annoyed, slightly amused. Naruto had heard that tone before, from any number of adults he'd encountered in his life. Normally it made him self-concious, made him feel like he was being scolded. But there was something about Sasuke's voice, something sweetly melodious, that just made Naruto smile.

Maybe the guy wasn't so mysterious after all.

"We'll be walking up hill."

Sasuke hummed, short and pointed, and bent down to replace the sea glass in its previous spot in the sand. When he straightened back up, sliding his feet through the sand a few paces backward, he spoke again. "You coming?"

"Oh! Yeah!" Naruto said, turning on his heel and following Sasuke up the path to the access road home.

Sasuke was quiet the entire walk back.

* * *

><p>"He was <em>pretty<em> pretty."

"That's what I said." Naruto spoke into the receiver of his new cordless phone. Iruka had caved about three weeks ago and decided that getting Naruto his own for his room probably wouldn't destroy the _whole_ city. Naruto had already started coloring it orange with a thick magic marker, and if he held it long enough his hand would get stained with the ink.

Kiba grunted. He sounded tired, like Naruto had called him right before he'd decided to go to bed. It was almost midnight, so Naruto supposed that could have been the case. If Naruto had had to use the kitchen phone, he wouldn't have even been allowed to call.

"Like pretty like a _girl_?"

Naruto sat down on the edge of his bed and the springs moaned under his weight. "Well… maybe not like a _girl_. I mean, he's definitely girlier than you and me. But I wouldn't say he's, like, _Sakura_ pretty."

"So, like Neji."

"Yeah, like Neji."

Kiba grunted again. When he spoke again, his voice was filled with sarcasm. "Because we all could use a little more Neji in our lives."

"The guy's not that bad," Shikamaru's voice came suddenly. Naruto had almost forgotten he'd been part of this call, he'd been so quiet. Though that wasn't really new. Naruto wasn't even sure why he bothered with three-way calling if one of them was always going to leave themselves out of the conversation. That by 'one of them,' Naruto usually meant 'Shikamaru' hadn't eluded anyone's attention.

Kiba didn't grunt this time, but he did scoff. He relied a lot on non-verbal communication. Naruto, Shikamaru, and Kiba's best friend Shino, who was a grade above them, seemed to be the only ones to ever understand him.

"He did help you get out of that detention last year, Kiba," Naruto pointed out, because really, Neji wasn't that bad. A little stuck up maybe, but every Hyuuga—apart from Hinata—had an inflated ego. It was just something you had to accept about going to school with the kids of one of the most influential families in the city council. From some of the stuff Iruka said about Neji and Hinata's parents, they didn't get much better after graduation.

"Are we talking about Neji or are we talking about the new kid," Kiba almost shouted.

"Sasuke."

"What?"

"His name is Sasuke," Naruto said, "Uchiha."

The line was silent for a long minute.

"Aw, did you exchange phone numbers with your boyfriend too," Kiba said, cackling like he'd just told the funniest joke. Shikamaru chuckled a little, so maybe it was.

"Fuck you, asshole." Naruto didn't even know why he was friends with these losers.

"But you have the new guy for that now," Kiba protested.

"Seriously? Gay jokes? That's where we're going with this? Because I know his name?" Naruto flung himself back against his mattress, upsetting a plate of half-eaten blueberry Poptarts onto the floor. He'd pick them up in the morning.

"If it fits," was Kiba's response, "Speak of which, wouldn't your ass have to be, like, super fucking loose?"

"I'm done talking to you," Naruto said.

"Good call," Shikamaru agreed.

"What? Because I crack a few, you guys are just gonna abandon me?"

"Call it a silent intervention," Shikamaru said, and before either Kiba or Naruto could ask what was being intervened, his line went dead.

"You think I offended him?" Kiba asked.

"Like you'd care if you did."

"True."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Naruto stared up at his ceiling fan, the one that had been broken since last summer. There was dust collecting on the blades. He wondered how much dust Sasuke would have to clean off in his new house.

"He sounds cool," Kiba finally said after awhile. Naruto had almost forgotten he was still on the phone.

"What?"

"The new guy. He sounds cool."

"Oh, yeah. He's quiet. But I think you just gotta get to know him, you know?"

Kiba hummed, and he didn't sound joking anymore. He sounded a little contemplative, like maybe he thought he _could_ try to get to know Sasuke, if Naruto wanted him to try.

Naruto wanted him to try. He wasn't sure why he felt so strongly about this guy, so quickly after meeting him for the first time, but he wanted everyone to try to get to know Sasuke.

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><p>"There's mold in the shower," he said, standing in the doorway to Kakashi's room, arms crossed over his chest, "And there's a bunch of dust on my ceiling fan."<p>

Kakashi looked up from the open box he'd set on his bed, an old picture frame in his hand.

"Okay."

"I'm too short to reach it without a broom," Sasuke amended, shifting his weight to one hip and leaning against the doorframe.

"Oh, right, okay, I'll unpack it off tomorrow." Kakashi went back to his box, setting the picture frame down on his still unmade bed. Sasuke wondered if it had once had a photograph in it, maybe of Kakashi's family, or friends. Sasuke himself didn't keep any pictures except one, but that was locked away somewhere in a box.

"You get all settled in?" Kakashi asked, pulling Sasuke out of his thoughts.

He shrugged, pushing off the doorframe again and stepping further into the room. The carpet was new, squishy between his bare toes. Everything in this house smelled new, unused. It was all a little too sterile. At least Kakashi's bedsprings squeaked a little when he sat down.

"My books are still in the trailer," he said, though he didn't even know why he felt the need to speak at all. He used to have no problem with silence, didn't feel like he needed to fill it with something. He was quiet by nature, but lately things had just been a little _too_ quiet, too still.

"They'll be fine for the night. I'll unpack them tomorrow too. How was your walk?"

He probably would have laughed, had he been asked a few weeks ago. He probably would have rolled his eyes and called that kid, Naruto, a loser. The walk would have been nice, he supposed. He might have liked looking around on his own, without a curfew and with a pack of cigarettes. He hadn't had a smoke since before he and Kakashi left the airport in Portland.

"Annoying," he replied.

Kakashi chuckled. "Nothing interesting?"

"I think there was a brothel next to one of the auto shops." He rubbed at the side of his neck. "We could probably get a two for one deal or something."

No one could ever say he didn't have a sense of humor.

Kakashi didn't respond, but Sasuke thought he saw a smile.

"When do you start at the hospital," he asked, changing the subject.

"Friday."

"Why do I have to start school tomorrow then?"

"Because you need to make sure you don't get too far behind."

"I don't like it here."

Kakashi sighed. It was a heavy, tired sound, like he hadn't been sleeping well lately. Sasuke knew the feeling.

"I wanted you to be close to Boston."

Sasuke scoffed, looking away from the man that he'd once considered a friend. He wasn't sure what their relationship was now. There were so _many_ thing he was unsure of now.

"Why didn't we just live in Boston," he asked, pulling one of his feet up onto the bed so he could pick at a toenail, needing a distraction.

"I thought you'd like it here," Kakashi explained, "It's close to the water. It's kind of secluded… It's quiet."

Sasuke scoffed again, resting his chin on his bent knee. The overhead light in the room made his skin look sallow, yellow-green like he was jaundiced. And he couldn't help but feel like everything would look a little off color from now on.

"You thought wrong."


End file.
